


it starts with a promise

by ovrdoses



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Bang Chan is Whipped, Bang Chan-centric, Boys In Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Felix is Whipped (Stray Kids), M/M, Mutual Pining, jeongin and hyunjin are there more than the others, very slight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 10:07:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28469514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ovrdoses/pseuds/ovrdoses
Summary: 5 Ways Chan and Felix say I Love You without actually saying I Love You versus the one time they actually say it.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 26
Kudos: 149





	it starts with a promise

**Author's Note:**

> happy new year everyone! this took weeks, and i honestly thought it was a lot longer than it is. but please enjoy it regardless! <3
> 
> (also i’m going to point out the overuse of chan’s name in this before you can! :D i’m sorry!)

* * *

**ONE.**

It was Chuseok in Korea.

Usually during the holidays both Felix and Chan would stay home together while the others went home to their families. It became a tradition between the two, one that Felix wasn’t getting to participate in this year much to Chan’s chagrin. The younger had a chance to fly home to his family this year, and as happy as Chan was for him, he wasn’t excited to be alone for the next week.

Felix continuously asked him over the last two weeks if Chan was sure it was okay for him to go home, and who would he be to ask Felix to stay, to not take a rare chance to see his family. Though, it was tempting, it really was.

He also went so far as to invite Chan to come with him, but Chan’s not one to impose and his own family were on a vacation away from Australia for the next two weeks. So here he was, watching as Felix bounced around the quiet dorm to double and triple check that he packed everything he would need, between presents for his family to pictures he was excited to show everyone.

Chan was comfortably wrapped in a blanket cocoon on the couch, hoping time would slow down this morning, just for a little bit.

“Channie! Why the long face?” Felix flopped on the couch next to Chan, disturbing his makeshift hideout. He looked so nice in the early morning sun, barefaced and positively beaming with excitement.

“I don’t have a long face, I’m just sleepy. You woke me up before the sun even came up, Lix.” 

“Hey, I said you didn’t have to get up with me. I just wanted to let you know I was about to leave.” Felix pouted up at Chan, head in his lap and hair fanning out in all directions. _He was glowing._

“I know, but I wanted to say goodbye.” Chan halfheartedly flicked the blonde on the forehead, smiling down at him.

“I’m asking one more time, come with me?” and Chan wanted to, a whole week with Felix in the home he grew up in? With his family, exchanging presents, thanks, and stories that would warm even the coldest heart. Chan’s skin started to crawl at the thought, there's no way he could last a week in such a homely environment like that and keep his mind from drifting into dangerous domestic territory.

“Thank you, but I’ll be okay here. I’ve been thinking of some songs I can mess around with and I’ll be able to order all the takeout food I want, doesn’t that sound like the ideal week?” Chan jokes, dimple piercing his cheek.

Felix laughed, eyes crinkling like Chan was the funniest person in the world. “Sounds perfect. Just please promise me you’ll rest while you have the dorm to yourself. Don’t overwork yourself even when you have time off.”

“I’ll do you one better. **I’ll pinky promise you**.” Chan stuck a pinky out, twining his and Felix’s together in a childish way that made them both giggle. The silence following held something unsaid along with the way they were still looking at each other with matching smiles, and it scared Chan, so he cleared his throat. “Okay, hop up. You’re going to be late for your flight, Lix.”

Felix sighed deep, rolling off of Chan and standing up. “I demand a hug then.” he opened his arms with a pointed look down at Chan.

Chan laughed, unraveling himself from his mountain of blankets and quickly enveloping Felix in a tight hug. “Have a wonderful trip and message me when you land, please.”

“I will, of course.” Felix hugged Chan tighter before pulling away, heading for his bags.

“Do you need help with those?”

“No, I’ll be okay but thank you.” Felix made his way towards their door, pulling it open and shifting his bags out into the hall before turning to meet Chan’s eyes again. 

Chan spoke up before Felix could, “ **Be safe.** ”

Felix’s excited smile came back, “ **I will, I pinky promise.** ” he lifted a pinky up towards Chan, sending him a wink before walking out and shutting the door behind him.

Chan had the heart to laugh and shake his head at the boy, already missing him.

  
  


**TWO.**

A week after Felix had left for Australia Chan woke up to noise coming from the living room, his mind in a complete haze. He sat up in his bed, rubbing at his eyes before getting up and shuffling through the hallway tiredly to see who the culprits that woke him up were.

“-and my mom, she ended up spilling her drink everywhere because she was laughing so hard.” Chan only caught the tail end of whatever Jisung was prattling on about to Jeongin, he smiled despite himself.

“That sounds like something you would do.'' The two boys sitting on the floor around the coffee table looked up simultaneously, grins lighting up their faces as they rushed over to the leader, wrapping him up in a hug that had Chan completely forgiving the two for waking him up so early.

And the day went on like that, the boys coming home one after the other, hugs and warm drinks shared over stories from the last week. The atmosphere in the dorm felt familial and Chan’s heart was almost completely full. _Almost._

It was night by the time Minho got home, and he was able to tell his stories over dinner. It was Chan’s first dinner in a week that he hadn’t ordered over an app. Most certainly the best meal he’s had in over a week as well.

Through all of the day's commotion it left only one person not in the dorm.

“Heading to bed, you coming?” Minho asked a few hours after the group of them had sat around the coffee table to play games together, a cup of water in his hands, pyjama pants and fuzzy socks making him look warm and comfortable. Chan smiled at him from over the back of the couch, “No, I’m going to stay up and wait on Felix to get home.”

Minho nodded with a meaningful look through the dim lights of the living room, “Okay then, goodnight.”

“Night, Min.”

And Chan did stay up watching some old action movie that was playing for at least an hour after Minho had said goodnight, not really taking any of it in. Felix had texted Chan that his flight landed about thirty five minutes ago, meaning in theory that he should only be about two minutes away.

He felt jittery even though it was half past midnight now, all the other kids having gone to sleep a while ago.

The rattle of the doorknob brought his attention back to the present, a small _bang_ against the door and a muffled _‘oops’_ that had Chan smiling immediately. He hopped up from his spot on the couch and grabbed the door handle to pull it open and reveal a bundled up Felix. His face was half covered by a mask, but when he looked up at Chan from the mess of his bags he could easily see how bright the blonde’s smile was even through the protective layer.

“Channie!” Felix whisper-yelled, and Chan’s stomach fluttered.

“Hey, Lix. Let me help you with those.” He leaned down to pull Felix’s suitcase through the door, surprised at how heavy it was, and went on to drag it until he could sit it next to the couch.

“Thank you! Are the others all sleeping already?” Felix plopped the rest of his luggage on the couch, pulling his mask off and discarding it elsewhere. He looked tired, but he was still shining so brightly, how was that possible?

“Yeah, they were all pretty tired after games so they headed to bed.” Felix nodded, watching Chan shift around in his spot.

“Except for you.” Chan’s heart thumped rapidly.

“Except for me.”

Felix continued to look at Chan without speaking, all the words Chan wanted to say dying on his tongue before they could even see the light of day.

He settled for a hushed, “Welcome home, Lix.”

And it must’ve been at least close to the right thing to say because Felix rushed forward and wrapped Chan in a strong hug, giggling light next to his ear. “Thank you for waiting up for me.”

“You know me, I wouldn't have been able to fall asleep unless all of you were back in the dorm safe and sound.” _Ah yes, totally inconspicuous._ “Besides, I have something to give you anyways.”

Felix pulled away, Chan almost complained. “Just me?”

“Just you.” Chris nodded.

Felix was moving again then, grabbing his suitcase and rolling it further into the living room until he and it were both sitting next to the coffee table. “That’s funny, because I have something just for you too.” _Butterflies, that’s what he’s been feeling._

“Oh yeah, what is it?”

Felix grinned, watching Chan sit down next to him to help in opening the suitcase. “I brought snacks for everyone to try, but I brought you something specifically.”

Chan watched Felix pull out a decent sized pack of something, it was yellow with a blue monster on it and he couldn’t help the laugh he let out, quickly silencing himself right after. Felix had brought Chan one of his favorite snacks from his time at his Australian school.

“Lix, you brought me Mamee Monster snacks? How did you even fit these in your suitcase?” Chan took the pack of barbeque snacks that were offered to him, “Thank you!”

Felix laughed under his breath, watching Chan turn the snacks around in his hands. “ **I remember you told me you wanted some, so I got them for you.** Fitting them in the suitcase wasn't as hard as it looks, but they may be a little crushed.”

And here Chan was, turning snacks around in his hands to avoid looking Felix in the eyes. It wasn’t like he had asked Felix the day the boy left for Australia to bring him back this exact snack, it was almost a month ago now that Chan had mentioned wanting them. They had the conversation at a late night practice of all things, one where Chan was pretty much just talking so he didn’t fall on the floor in a tired heap of overworked muscle. The fact that Felix remembered such a small thing didn’t help the butterflies fluttering in the pit of Chan’s stomach.

“Thank you, Lix. Seriously.” Chan’s english sounded way too foreign in his own ears once he was able to speak up.

“It’s no problem, Chan.” Felix’s, however, was perfect. “So what did you get me?”

Chan stuttered in place a bit, his face growing warm at the thought of giving Felix anything after the thoughtful snacks he was just gifted.

“Oh, yeah. Um.. I didn’t technically get you anything. I made something for you, kind of?” _Beautifully worded, Chris._

Felix looked expectant despite his poor explaining skills so he got up quickly to sneak into his own room, finding his backpack and grabbing out a small flash drive in the dark.

He meticulously stepped around dirty and clean clothes alike so he wouldn’t trip up and wake a snoring Changbin from whatever dreamland he was currently exploring.

Once he was sitting next to Felix again, he handed the drive over before he could second guess himself. This time, Felix did look confused.

“Oh, uh.. You told me recently you thought you needed some sort of noise to sleep and asked me what songs would help you. I couldn’t tell you all of them at the time so **I made you a playlist.** ”

“A playlist of songs that’ll help me sleep?” Felix looked at the flash drive in his hands thoughtfully.

“At least I hope. I know it’s no Mamee Monster but I thought it wouldn’t hurt to try?”

Felix said nothing for a short time, and Chan’s throat was all of a sudden incredibly dry.

He watched Felix set the flash drive on the coffee table before he leaned forward and hugged Chan for the second time since he had arrived back to the dorm. Chan’s heart was completely full now. “Thank you, Chris. I was seriously worried about not being able to sleep, I’m going to try this tonight. This means a lot.”

“It’s no problem, Lix.” They both had a bad habit of repeating after each other.

They sat in comfortable silence until footsteps coming from the hall made them look up. Jeongin was standing at the end of the hallway, looking at them with one eye squinted, his hair was a mess already, and it seems he had been in a deep sleep just a few moments ago. He looked adorably disheveled.

“Hey Innie!” Felix stood up and stepped away from the atmosphere him and Chan were engulfed in. The butterflies in the older aussie’s stomach were finally able to calm down for the night.

“I thought I heard you.” Jeongin’s voice was so hushed that Chris barely heard him from his spot on the floor, but Felix apparently heard him loud and clear which only caused him to hug the youngest tight. “Yeah, I just got back, Chan and I were catching up.”

Jeongin locked eyes with Chan over the couch, smiling knowingly at him and Chan looked away. Not enjoying being read so openly by the youngest in the entire dorm. Especially, when Chan himself had no idea what Jeongin’s smile was implying.

_Okay maybe he did, deep down._

They all went to bed not long after that, Felix listening to his new playlist and Chan just thankful his boys were back.

**THREE.**

A week after Jeongin had knowingly read Chan like a book in the living room of their dorm, no words ever uttered, the youngest found him again in his studio. He was shutting his computer off for the night, looking up and catching Jeongin’s eyes through the black screen.

“Hi. I knocked but I’m not sure you heard it.” Chan turned around in his chair, smiling at the boy, noticing that he still had practice clothes on even though practice ended a few hours ago.

“Hey Innie, did you need something? I was just packing up.” Chan thought the way Jeongin shook his head no, hair falling into his eyes, was adorable. He was older now, but still the same kid no matter what the group went through.

“Just wanted to walk you home.”

Chan laughed to himself, packing everything up and nodding towards the boy. “Okay then, let’s go.”

Once they were out of the company building the two of them walked in silence for a while. The way Jeongin kept his eyes low, shuffling his shoes against the concrete, had Chan worried that the boy had some stuff weighing on his mind. He was working himself up to ask about it, but Jeongin spoke up first. “Oh! Hyung, look. Can we get some snacks before we head back?”

They were stopped in front of a brightly lit corner store, one they all used to frequent fairly often in their trainees days. Chan figured that was a solid idea, then he could ease the conversation into whatever was going on in the younger’s mind over some soul food.

They both decided to eat at the tables sitting around outside of the store to be away from the few people still inside, their jackets closed tightly around them. The ramen they decided on warmed them to the point that they could barely feel the crisp wind that was gently tossing Jeongin’s hair around. It was nice, Chan thought. Spending some time with Jeongin, he always enjoyed quality time one on one with any of the boys.

They ate in silence for a while, but the pensive look on Jeongin’s face never ceased. Chan needed to say something.

“When are you going to tell him?”

Chan looked up from his food in confusion, the second time tonight that Jeongin had beat him to a conversation opener. “I’m sorry?”

“Sorry, I know that was super forward, but Felix. When are you going to tell him?”

“When am I going to tell Felix what?” Chan’s heart dropped to the pit of his stomach.

“That you love him.” Chan choked on a large bite of noodles, literally. To the point Jeongin had to stand up from his spot to pat Chan’s back in support. Even after he calmed himself down he tried to play it off by clearing his throat. “I always tell Felix I love him, what do you mean?” His ears had to be flaming red by now.

“You know what I mean.” Jeongin looked serious this time, eyes studying Chan so hard that he was sure the younger could read all of his thoughts.

“Jeongin-”

“When are you going to tell him that you’re _in love with him_?”

And this time Chan knew better than to try anything with the food that was left ignored on the table. Though, he was stunned silent nonetheless, the first time he was forced to think about those words with anyone other than himself at three in the morning. He felt the onslaught of something akin to fright flood his veins; maybe even nausea if he thought about it. _He didn’t want to._

See, Chan has loved all of his boys for years, but when it came to Felix all bets were off and it seems like he’s not the only one that knows now. 

Chan has always known Felix felt different to him, _was_ different to him. He wanted to be selfish with Felix in a way he has never been with anyone else. It was scary at first, seeing Felix in a different light than everyone else, but not long after coming to terms with it Chan figured out why. He loved Felix, _he was in love with Felix._ Selfishly in love with him.

Chan had been the leader of a rookie group, though, a rookie group that counted on him to stay unbiased; to be fair. To guide them through the setbacks and allow them to shine brightly at their success, so he did. He stopped thinking of Felix every waking hour of the day because that’s what was best for everyone else, and soon it got easier to go about his duties. But as much as he thought everything he felt would go away it just.. Didn’t.

He still looked at Felix and wanted to touch, wanted to hold, wanted to _love_. But he couldn’t. So he stayed as close as he could without ruining everything the eight of them have built together. Felix is his best friend and that’s the most he could be. No matter what signals he was possibly receiving from the other.

But they’re not rookies anymore, and unfortunately for Chan, a stray thread of hope has built a home in his heart since then.

“Hyung.”

“Is this the reason you wanted to walk me home? To talk about this?”

“Hyunjin and I have been talking about you two, and he agrees with me when I say that holding in everything you feel for Felix isn’t healthy and it’s going to wear you down more than you think.” Jeongin genuinely looked worried for a moment, eyebrows scrunched up. Since when was he on the receiving end of the advice? He was usually the one giving it.

“Jeongin, I appreciate you and Hyunjin for worrying about me but-”

“It’s all of us.”

“What?”

“All of us are worried. You might think that you have it under control, and that you can handle it, but we know you better than that.” Suddenly Jeongin’s hands found his own across the table, and that’s when Chan knew to take this more seriously than he originally planned to. The younger hardly ever initiated any kind of physical contact.

“If you’re putting it off because of us, don’t. We’re fine, and no matter what happens we’re family. We’ll get through it.” Chan could cry, but he didn’t, he just smiled. “Just talk to him. It’s Felix, he’ll understand no matter what.”

“ **I’ve never felt this way about anyone other than him.** ” Admitting that out loud released a small amount of weight he hadn’t realized he was carrying. “And that’s scary. I don’t want to ruin what we have now, I can’t.”

“You won’t. It’s you and Felix, you won’t ruin anything.” And it was so easy to believe the boy, it really was.

“You and Felix understand each other, and Felix himself has an unbelievably open mind. Just try, it might help both of you in the end.”

After that the conversation veered into more silence, Jeongin not wanting to push the topic and Chan deep in thought. They walked home in a lighter atmosphere after that.

**FOUR.**

Chan thought for days about what him and Jeongin had talked about that night. Hyper aware of every move he made when Felix was around, of the knowing eyes following him around like he was a ticking time bomb. It was getting a little bit much to say the least, he was having trouble focusing on the things he should actually be doing.

Like right now, he was leaned forward in his studio chair, staring blankly at his computer screen. He was on a roll earlier, getting a lot done with Changbin until the rapper went back to the dorm to play with the kids. Now however, he was getting next to nothing done other than worrying himself into a deep, dark hole. See, this morning Chan’s world completely shifted on its axis and he was the only one who knew about it apparently.

He woke up last this morning, already odd enough that he came out of his dreams by himself and not because of any of the others being loud. Everything else was basically the exact same as every other morning until he finally decided to get up and head to the living room for any sign of the boys.

The chill was the first thing he noticed while walking further away from the place he had been comfortably dreaming not five minutes ago. His arms were developing goosebumps because of his choice of sleeveless shirt, not his smartest idea but he was too tired to change last night. 

Once he managed to step into the living room he didn’t immediately notice anything out of the ordinary. Minho, Changbin, Jeongin, and Hyunjin were all in the kitchen fussing over breakfast with tousled hair and sleepy eyes which had Chan smiling to himself easily.

The moment he looked towards the couch was when he knew his plans for a productive day were over, that he might as well walk right back into his room and go back to sleep for the rest of the week because what he saw was going to be the only thing he was able to form thoughts about. 

At first glance nothing stuck out to him, he saw Jisung, Felix, and Seungmin on the couch all looking half asleep still; much more so than the four in the kitchen. The tv was playing an old episode of Pokemon and the three of them looked terribly sweet trying to stay awake together. He noted Felix was lying across both Jisung and Seungmin, with his head laying in Jisungs lap. Chan could feel a pang of something ugly in his chest, and he hated himself for it.

He was valiantly able to push away all of the selfish thoughts clouding his mind, and actually took the moment to observe Felix, over the couch, in all of his glory. 

He had his eyes closed, not asleep but also not entirely awake. Jisung was carding his fingers through the bleached hair that Chan always thought looked so soft. His feet were resting in Seungmin’s lap and both of his own hands were clasped together against his chest, rising and falling calmly. He looked adorable for lack of a better word, with his faded christmas pajama pants and a black hoodie that was bunched over his torso and it truly- _wait._

Was that Chan’s hoodie? Was Felix snuggled up, all sleepy and warm and so dangerously inviting, in Chan’s hoodie?

His heart stuttered so bad that he actually had to lift a hand to his chest and check that it was still beating. He was almost positive that if he hadn’t looked away right then and started to walk towards the kitchen that his brain would’ve malfunctioned much worse than it had and he would have done something awfully embarrassing. _God, he was so incredibly screwed._

The four boys in the kitchen were such a welcome distraction from what happened in the living room that he went and rested his head on top of one of Hyunjin’s shoulders, making the younger glance down at him with a smile. “Good morning.”

“Morning. What are you all making?” He watched easily from Hyunjin’s shoulder as Changbin and Minho wrestled for the spatula while Jeongin simply reached into a drawer and pulled another one out in victory.

“Waffles? Possibly pancakes? I’m honestly just here to make sure these three don’t set the kitchen on fire.” Chan laughed at that in complete understanding.

The two of them stood like that for a few more silent minutes, just watching the drama unfolding over the skillet, before Hyunjin spoke up in a hushed tone that only Chan could hear.

“Have you seen Felix this morning?” Chan hummed softly.

“Saw him in the living room as I walked by, why?”

“No reason. I just saw him when he got up this morning and noticed the hoodie he was wearing, it was nice.” Chan’s blood ran cold in an instant, he knew exactly what Hyunjin was getting at and he hated that just thinking about Felix in his clothes made his entire body want to move back towards the living room of its own volition.

Chan stayed silent, not planning on supplying the younger with another chance to take a jab at him. Hyunjin didn’t reply again either until Minho was yelling into the living room to make sure everyone knew breakfast was ready.

“Wonder why Felix decides to wear your hoodies when he very clearly has his own. There wasn’t even anything special about the one he took.” Chan wanted to defend Felix’s actions so bad, but he had nothing to say. “Maybe he just likes the way you smell, or maybe it’s the closest he can get to being with you since you refuse to confess to him.” Chan could hear his heart beating so loudly that he was afraid everyone else in the kitchen could hear it as well.

“Innie wanted to be nice to try and make you understand, but I don’t. You’re drowning in this and you’re going to take the rest of us with you. Take a second to think about it. If you can’t see how fearlessly Felix loves you then you’re more oblivious than I thought. Stop being a coward and talk to him, please. It’s the least he deserves.” Hyunjin never raised a fist against Chan, but every word he spoke felt like a physical blow to his gut. He had questions, a few too many that he wanted answered but before he could speak up to ask them Hyunjin was walking away from him.

Chan wanted to pull him back, but arms coming around his waist from behind stopped him in his tracks. A head rested between his shoulder blades in such an affectionate way that his heart was all of a sudden in his throat.

“Channie, good morning.” _Felix._

_He sounds so good in the mornings_ , Chan’s head unhelpfully supplied for him when he tried to form a single coherent thought. God, he was _beyond_ screwed.

“Hey, Lix. Sleep well?” Chan turned in the arms circled around him and it was the single worst mistake of his morning so far. He really should’ve stayed in bed.

Felix was smiling so beautifully at Chan, eyes scrunched in sleepy lines, freckles standing against his skin like speckles of stardust, hair such a fluffy mess that Chan had the need to touch it. So he did, so far gone this morning that he didn’t even think to second guess himself as he lifted his hand up and carded it through the blonde mop. Nails scratching at the back of his scalp in a way that made Felix push further into the touch. _He was breathtaking._

“I got a little bit of sleep because of the playlist you made me, thank you again by the way.” Chan’s ears were tinged red.

“You don’t need to thank me, I'm just happy it seems to be helping.” Chan came back to his senses with a start, removing his hand from Felix’s hair and taking a small step back. The arms around him fell, his heart along with them.

Felix watched him for a moment, something he’s been doing a lot recently, and Chan felt self conscious all of a sudden. He completely missed the way the younger looked him up and down, eyes lingering on his sleeveless arms, because of his thoughts. What was he doing? It’s just Felix, why was he acting like a lovesick school girl over the smallest of things? Did Felix notice? Why was his mind racing this early in the morning?

**“You always take care of me.”** Felix said in a thoughtful hum.

Everything Hyunjin said was right in front of his face, why was Felix wearing his hoodie? What reason did he have when he had so many of his own to wear? Why did the sight of Felix in his clothes make him feel so jittery? Why did he want to hold Felix so close and never let anyone else touch him? Why did he have to overthink this so much?

Felix was still so close and he smelled like Chan. Why did that have Chan’s head spinning? He had to get out of his head, Hyunjin was right, he was drowning.

**“I’ll always take care of you.”**

“You two are totally missing breakfast.” Chan tore his eyes away from Felix to see Changbin standing at the entrance to the kitchen. Were they eating in the living room? When had that happened? How long had him and Felix been standing there?

“We’re coming, Bin.” Chan found Felix’s eyes again, nodding towards where Changbin had just been standing and Felix smiled softly before walking into the living room with the others. Chan had followed behind eventually, after taking a moment to compose himself.

All of that led him to right now, staring at his computer while his mind raced. He thought over everything Jeongin said, everything Hyunjin said, over what seeing Felix in his clothes made him feel, over the pros and cons of doing what he wanted to do. Of taking what he wanted to take.

He wanted Felix, that much was evident.

He couldn’t find any cons that could come close to mattering more than that.

_It’s the least he deserves._ Yeah, maybe he was being a coward.

_If you can’t see how fearlessly Felix loves you then you’re more oblivious than I thought._

Chan gathered up all of the strength he had left and packed up his studio for the night. He knew what he needed to do, he just had to work up the nerves to do it.

He needed to run to Felix instead of run from him for once.

  
  


**FIVE.**

When Chan finally unlocked the door and pushed it open that night, the boys were all sitting in the living room together. The lights were off and they were cuddled in front of the television watching an animated movie; the sight made Chan smile to himself.

Everytime he comes home to a scene like this, he regrets the hours he spends away from them. It makes him feel like he’s missing out on moments that should be experienced, that should be remembered.

The noise from the front door makes a few of them look over, Jisung is the first to break the comfortable silence.

“Dad’s home!” Jisung’s arms opened wide from his spot on the floor, beckoning Chan to come join them.

The others muttered their greetings as Chan dropped his things at the door, walking over and resting himself down next to Jisung. “What are you all watching?”

“Lix was a little down earlier so we’ve been watching Studio Ghibli movies since Binnie got home.” Chan nodded his acknowledgement as Jisung got comfortable next to him, resting his head on the leader's shoulder.

Chan saw that they were in the middle of Princess Mononoke and at this point he wouldn’t have been able to catch up with the plot even if he tried. He didn’t want to disturb the boy on his shoulder, so instead of getting back up he glanced around the room until he saw the object of his affections.

Felix was snuggled between Minho and Changbin on the couch furthest from him and Jisung. He looked tired, eyes barely focused where they were looking at the tv. Minho and Changbin looked pretty tired themselves, this must’ve been at least the third movie they’ve watched this evening. It made Chan worry, thinking about Felix feeling down enough that his eyes weren’t shining with excitement like they usually were when watching any Studio Ghibli film.

“Do you know why Felix is feeling down?” Chan whispered to Jisung, the tv was loud enough that it wasn’t audible to anyone else except for maybe Hyunjin who was sitting directly behind the two.

Felix seemed to be in a fairly good mood throughout breakfast, and even during practice his mood was about the same as always. Did Chan miss something?

Jisung just sent him a pointed look that clearly said _ask him yourself_ and shifted until he was leaned back between Hyunjin’s legs. Chan didn’t know what to take from that so he flicked his eyes back towards Felix. What he found was the blonde already looking at him.

Chan swallowed the lump in his throat. Felix did look tired, but he still managed a small smile when he noticed that he had been caught staring.

Chan’s arms burned to be around him in the way Changbin’s were, his hands wanting nothing more than to run through blonde hair like Minho.

Chan’s worry took the lead in his movements, while he had Felix’s undivided attention he seized the chance. He nodded towards the hallway in a silent question, hoping Felix would understand, and when the younger answered with his own nod Chan stood up quietly and started the walk towards his room.

He had no idea what he was going to do from here, but if Felix was struggling in some way he needed to be there for him.

He plopped down onto his own bed just a moment before Felix walked in wearing another one of Chan’s hoodies. _Don’t think about it._ The blonde looked across the room towards Chan as he silently shut the door behind him.

After what seemed like a moment of hesitation, the younger walked over to the bed and sat down next to him; worryingly silent as he played with his hands in his lap. So Chan broke the silence for them.

“I heard from a pretty reliable source that you haven’t been feeling the best today.” He started out gentle, wanting Felix to take the lead only if he was comfortable talking about it.

“Is that all your pretty reliable source said?” Felix was deflecting, Chan knew that.

“I think my reliable source wanted me to ask you about it myself.” Their thighs were touching, Chan felt chills threatening to shake his posture. Felix however, said nothing.

“I’m here.” It was a whisper in the middle of their silence. “You can always talk to me or not talk to me, but I’m here.” He was afraid if he got any louder he would scare Felix back to the spot on the couch that he had left behind to follow Chan; that was the last thing he wanted.

The blonde looked up after a minute and glanced at Chan, his eyes held a form of guilt that Chan had no idea what to do with.

“I.. I’m not holding you back am I?” His voice held guilt as well, Chan wanted to make it go away.

“What do you mean, Lix? Holding me back?”

“Ah, this is so dumb, but I went to vocal practice with Jeongin and Minho today and the instructor said that he thought my progress was dwindling.” He looked away again, staring at the far wall, hands bunching up the fabric covering his legs.

“Felix..” Chan took a long moment to process what he had just been told, and connected that train of thought to the question Felix had initially asked and the only thing he could register in the moment was a slowly rising form of anger at the fact that anyone would say something like that to Felix when there was no chance it was constructive; or even true for that matter.

“Obviously, it’s not detrimental to the group that I become a vocalist, but the thought of hearing my voice like that in a song you created made me want to try. Now I don’t really want to hear my voice at all.” Chan’s heart could burst so easily if he let it. Felix was an angel, and even that wasn’t enough of a word to describe just how incredible of a person he was. So selfless, and so deserving of more than he was given.

“Lix, that- _hey,_ look at me please _._ ” Their eyes met again and Chan smiled gently, taking his hundredth leap of the day and reaching to encompass both of Felix’s hands in his own. They were cold, but so small, and so soft.

“You have a beautiful voice, Lix. You work hard daily to be where you are, and your level of progress can never _truly_ be measured by someone other than yourself. Do you understand?” Felix nodded, but that wasn’t enough for Chan.

“Should I go back to the company and make sure the instructor understands too?” The question had Felix turning his body fast, one leg on the bed while the other was hanging off, turned towards Chan with wide eyes at the prospect of him marching into the JYP building with a thing or two to say to their vocal instructor.

“No! _No_ , it’s okay, honestly. Please don’t storm into the building all leaderly on my behalf. I’m fine, just feeling sorry for myself. The others have all already threatened him, and I'm going to need someone to hold them back.” Chan laughed softly, happier with the more energetic reaction, intertwining their fingers together. Felix’s ears were red, he looked ravishing.

“I was just joking, Lix, but-” Chan caved, and let his eyes wash over the way Felix looked in his hoodie for one selfish moment before glancing back up. “I’m not sure if I’d want to hold them back. Your vocal progress has been amazing, and we all know it. There was no reason for him to have said that to you.”

The red on Felix’s ears ran down to the apples of his cheeks, over the bridge of his nose, it was stunning. He tried to look away but Chan followed his eyes determinedly. Getting a boost in confidence because of the shy way Felix was acting over the compliment. “Well, I was able to talk them into a movie night instead of a full blown stand off in front of the company, and they thankfully didn’t bring it back up after that.” 

“That doesn’t mean they aren’t planning behind your back, they might have snuck out when you closed the bedroom door. They could be on the news right now and we wouldn’t even know.” That brought a genuine laugh out of Felix which in turn made Chan’s heart flutter.

The younger said nothing after he calmed down, and so Chan took it upon himself to ask a question that has been burning him since he first saw Felix on the couch this morning. “Do my hoodies help you? When you’re feeling down, I mean. They’re pretty comfortable after all.”

“I, uh- yes? Ah, I knew you would notice. Hyunjin said something about it the first night I slept in one when you weren’t back from the studio yet, and it made me feel flustered or whatever so I wasn’t going to do it again but you just feel like-” Felix stopped abruptly, successfully dodging Chan’s eyes this time; biting his bottom lip hard.

“Feel like what, Felix?” Chan wasn’t going to push, but he was so curious. His heart had to know. Especially after the images surfacing in his mind at the fact that Felix actually _slept_ in Chan’s hoodies and didn’t just wear them around the dorm because of simply being cold.

“ **You feel like home.** ” Their eyes met again, Chan saw Felix’s resolve come back to him tenfold. “You smell like home, you remind me of home. I just thought that maybe, if nothing else, that would make me forget about it, that maybe I would think of you instead.”

In that moment Chan was physically there in the room with Felix, but his mind was on cloud nine, floating freely where nothing mattered except for Felix.

“I know, it sounds stupid, but I don’t like thinking like that. Thinking that I’m holding the group back because I’m apparently not progressing enough. I just didn’t know what to do.”

Chan’s heart broke at the desperate expression on the boy's face. “First of all, _Felix look at me-_ First of all, it doesn’t sound stupid. It’s sweet, and I will never deny you access to my hoodies, trust me, I have plenty.” Felix laughed again suddenly, seemingly surprising himself.

“Yeah, I’ve noticed.” _Chan loved every part of him._

“Yeah yeah, and second of all, you’re not holding anyone back. We’re a team, we go through stuff like this together. Okay? Your progress is yours alone, if you’re satisfied with where you’re at then that’s really all that matters.” He needed Felix to understand, or maybe he was trying to make himself understand.

All he got in reply was a nod, but it worked. The mood was lighter, and their hands were still connected and Chan could do it. This would be the most opportune time to finally talk to Felix about what they were, or about what they could be.

_A yawn._

No, Felix was tired and vulnerable and Chan couldn’t load anything else on his shoulders tonight. So he cleared his throat in the silence and squeezed Felix’s hands before standing up and pulling away.

“Well, the other’s will probably end up sleeping in the living room if they’re not out on a rampage. Do you want to sleep in here?” The ‘ _with me’_ was a ghost, but it was also so loud in the air between them.

And if Chan noticed Felix’s hitched breathing, he didn’t mention it.

“Are you sure?” As if Chan hadn’t thought about it day in and day out. About holding Felix, about tangling their legs together, about nuzzling into the top of his head until they both fell asleep. He was sure.

“I’m sure. You have my hoodie to sleep with, and now you have me too.” The effort it took not to fall into a fit of embarrassment at his own words was immeasurable, but he stood silent, waiting for any kind of answer from the younger.

“I’d like that a lot.” Chan nodded, a small smile etching his lips as he watched Felix get comfortable on his bed.

_On your bed. That smells like you. That will end up smelling like you_ and _Felix once he gets up._

Chan’s mind was being more than uncooperative and it was all he could do to turn the lights off and find his way back over to the boy.

The room was quiet as he laid down, the tv down the hall the only noise besides the shuffle of sheets.

They both shifted easily, Chan wrapped his arms around Felix at his shoulders and waist and pulled him as close as he has wanted to for months now; breathing in deeply.

Felix made himself small and tucked his head under Chan’s chin, arm slung over him and clinging like Chan would slip out of his fingers at a moment's notice.

They were silent for so long that Chan thought Felix had already fallen asleep until fingers started tracing lines against the back of his shoulder.

“You’ve been away a lot recently..” It was a whisper, as if Felix thought Chan had fallen asleep as well. Chan just held the boy tighter.

“I’m sorry, it’s easy to get stuck in my head when I’m at the studio. I lose track of time.”

“It’s okay, I just- _We_ just miss you when you’re not here.” There was a pause that made it seem like Felix still had stuff to say, so Chan kept quiet.

“I actually asked Hannie if he thought it was because of me, but he said I was just being irrational, and that you’re staying so late because of the responsibility you have so I felt pretty silly after that.” Felix was tiredly mumbling, practically asleep but forcing himself to stay conscious for some reason unknown to Chan.

“You actually think I would stay away from you willingly? I just haven’t been getting as much done as I need to recently so I’ve been trying to make up for it by staying later.” Felix nuzzled further into Chan’s warmth with a hum, moving the hand that was rubbing circles into Chan’s shoulder to the side of his head, blindly running his fingers over the elder’s jaw like an afterthought. Like the action itself was helping to calm him and put his worries at ease.

Chan’s heart was struggling to work properly; he didn’t know exactly what was happening in Felix’s sleep driven mind either. The blonde was so close, so indulgent in what he wanted. He was like a cat, so comfortable and warm and Chan was so in love it was starting to hurt.

“I just.. Don’t know what to take from this. Your silence is making me second guess myself and I’m afraid I’m getting too close and it’s making you uncomfortable. I never want to make you uncomfortable, you’re my best friend. I need you, but I also..I _want_ you. I just don’t know if you want me back and I’m starting to worry I've made this entire _thing_ we have up in my head.” There was a sad lilt in Felix’s tone that forced Chan to move down a bit, facing the younger boy and engulfing him completely. Chan rested their foreheads together and could tell, with just the dim lighting to see, that Felix was so close to sleep even despite the turn in conversation.

Felix’s eyes were closed, so Chan looked. He looked for as long as he wanted, mapping every feature he could see in the dark room and kept it all for himself; selfishly.

“Never second guess yourself, Felix. You’re not too close, you’re _never_ too close. I want you too, and tomorrow I promise I’ll finally find time to tell you just how much. For now, let go and sleep.” Felix was hanging onto consciousness by a thread, barely registering anything Chan had said. He hummed softly, snuggling as close as he could one last time before Chan watched his features soften.

The dim light coming from the window they hadn’t bothered to shut all the way was shining over Felix, and Chan stayed there, watching him sleep for an embarrassing amount of time.

“ **I don’t know how everyone you’ve ever met isn’t thinking about you constantly like I am.** ” Chan clamped his mouth shut, ears burning at the confession even though the one he was confessing to was out like a light.

Chan sighed deeply to himself, pressing a gentle kiss to Felix’s forehead before snuggling in for the night, finally letting his eyes shut. Welcoming sleep for the first time in ages because he wasn’t alone.

**PLUS ONE.**

The moment Chan woke up he felt that something was off. He was a shift away from being on the floor for one, and second, he was in bed alone.

It was normal, when any of the eight of them slept in the same bed one always got up before the other. This time was different though, Chan couldn’t help but think that the entire night before was a dream that he had just woken up from. A dream that he desperately wanted to be real.

The dorm was silent as he stared up at the ceiling, completely so, reminding him so clearly of the week he was left alone during Chuseok.

Why was he the last to wake up again? Did everyone go to practice without him? No. Today was their day off, and usually it was him rushing everyone out of the door for practice. So why was the dorm so eerily quiet?

He couldn’t hear Jisung’s laugh, or Minho, Hyunjin, and Changbin arguing playfully about something like they normally would be doing. He couldn’t even hear the tv.

He decided that instead of thinking about it all day, he would push himself out of bed and go investigate. 

When he hopped up, the first thing Chan did was look in the mirror leaned on the wall next to the bedroom door. He looked over his stature, ghosting his fingers over his jaw in the way Felix had last night. So soft, and affectionate. 

The pessimistic voice in the back of his head wanted so badly to convince him that maybe Felix had left because he didn’t actually want to hear what Chan had to say. The very small optimistic part of his mind clung desperately to the hope that Felix was still waiting for him to catch up like always.

He sighed deeply, running fingers through his hair in an attempt to control the mess, and finally opened the door to walk out into the hallway.

Again, nothing but silence, he looked around the living room and saw no one. Was he still dreaming? Where was everyone?

It wasn’t until he made it into the kitchen that he finally saw signs of life, and it just so happened to be the exact person he had been thinking about from the minute he woke up.

Felix’s back was turned to Chan, the smell of something sweet suddenly surrounding him.

Felix was baking. This early in the morning.

He also had no idea that Chan was awake, so the elder did what any rational person with a crush (more than a crush?) would do and leaned against the doorway with his arms crossed just so he could observe the younger. Felix was humming softly to himself while adding different things to a bowl.

Chan almost completely revealed his position as soon as he realized the blonde's hair was wet, and he very clearly had one of Chan’s shirts hanging off of his shoulders.

The feeling it gave the elder when he noticed was exhilarating. Something he could absolutely get used to seeing when he woke up.

He watched in silence for a little while, watching as Felix mixed whatever he was making until he seemed satisfied and scooted a greased pan he had set off to the side closer to himself, pouring whatever he had mixed together into it and popping it into the oven in a swift movement. 

The blonde stood up after shutting the oven door and dusted his hands off before turning around with an all-knowing look on his face, startling Chan out of his silent praise of the boy that was just five feet away.

“At first it was nice knowing that you were watching me, but now it’s just weird.” It was very clearly a joke to test the waters, but Chan still went red anyways.

“Ah, I’m sorry. I kind of zoned out, what are you making?” He was trying so hard not to walk over and touch Felix, but the knowledge that he probably smelled like Chan was making it incredibly difficult to say the least.

“Brownies.” Was the only thing the younger supplied before turning around and piling up the dishes he had dirtied.

Again, Chan just watched.

Felix’s hair was so feathery where it was air drying against his ears, he was completely barefaced and immensely beautiful.

“So where are the others? I woke up and it was like a ghost town in here.”

Felix shot him a look over his shoulder.

“I’m not actually sure. They were all here before I got in the shower and after I got out everyone was gone. The only thing that I got was a text from Jisung that said have fun or something along those lines.” Chan watched as he dried his hands off and turned around to lean against the counter, mirroring the elder’s own position against the wall.

“Well, that’s ominous.”

Felix laughed softly, crossing his own arms over his chest. “I just think they’re tired of pretending they don’t know what’s going on.”

An emotion stirred in Chan’s chest that felt like the beginnings of something important.

“Yeah.. maybe.”

It was Felix this time who just watched, it was like he was waiting for something to happen and it made Chan falter a bit, trying his best to not run away from the promise he made himself last night.

“Felix.” “Chan.”

It was simultaneous, their expressions both shifting into childish joy. _This felt comfortable_ , Chan’s brain supplied, _this moment felt safe._

Chan nodded towards Felix so he could continue, and the younger kept their eyes locked, smiling small.

“I’m sorry I left you this morning, it wasn’t because I was running away or anything like that. I got up early, and I watched you for a while. It was a little too much for eight in the morning, so I got up to shower.” By the end of his sentence he was staring down at his feet.

Chan bit at his bottom lip to hide a grin, feeling off balance in the best way possible. He knew, potentially, where this conversation could lead to, and the anticipation was almost too much.

“You were watching me sleep?” His playful grin broke through, dimples poking into his cheeks.

Felix looked up quickly, not being able to meet Chan’s eyes for more than a second without bashfully turning his head. “Is that really the only part of the sentence you heard?”

“No, I just-” Chan felt a surge of something like confidence run through him and he pushed himself off of the doorway, taking a step closer to Felix while wringing his hands together. 

“I heard all of it, and it’s my turn to talk now. Is that okay?”

A nod was directed towards him, yet Felix still wouldn’t look him in the eyes.

“Felix.”

Finally, he had the others undivided attention.

“Say it.”

His nervousness lasted for just a moment before he reopened his mouth. Finally finding it in himself to push out the words he has been wanting to say for a very long time.

“First of all, I never thought for a second that you were running away. However, next time it would be nice to actually wake up with you still next to me.”

Felix cocked his head to the side slightly, a shy smile stretching his lips at the prospect of there being a _next time_.

“Second of all,” Chan took a deep breath to steady himself and jumped heart first into what he wanted to say, “I just.. I wish I could get inside your head sometimes, you know? Just to know if everything that I’m feeling is reciprocated, just to know if it’s normal to feel terrified about this.” Felix made a move forward, Chan wanted to touch him so badly.

“I wish I knew exactly what you thought about me, about what goes through your mind when someone says my name to you.” Chan matched Felix and stepped closer, his hands were itching to grab. He clenched them at his sides.

“I want to know what I look like in your eyes, because in mine you are pure sunlight; So beautiful it almost hurts. You make me feel like everything is going to be okay.” Felix braved another step, two, three before he was right in front of Chan. Chan felt lightheaded in a good way; felt encompassed by feelings.

“I never planned on this, and ever since the day you sat next to me on the practice room floor and I completely forgot how to breathe it’s never been easy. It won’t start being easy now either, but I’ve made you wait for so long because I thought it was the right thing to do. I’ve been told just recently it was dumb of me to think like that; that maybe being selfish for once was okay.” Finally, Chan reached forward. One hand came up to cup the left side of Felix’s face while the other moved to tentatively rest on his waist. Felix moved willingly, his own arms finding purchase on Chan’s arms.

“You make me _feel_ so much more than anyone ever has and although we’ve never said it to each other, I think we both knew anyways.” Felix’s eyes glistened through a few unshed tears, something that made Chan’s heart ache. He leaned forward until their foreheads were pressed together.

“ **I love you** , and I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to say it.”

Felix surged forward without warning, both hands flying to the back of Chan’s head while pulling them both into a strong kiss. It wasn’t heated, and it wasn’t rushed. It was Felix giving all of his love back to Chan without the use of words. Chan could compare it to the ending scene of an emotionally charged and strung along movie, it was passionate and grateful. It was final, and it made sense in Chan’s mind.

It took Chan’s breath away as his mind made it’s biggest effort to catch up, pressing into Felix and kissing back with his entire heart. It was perfectly lax, lips parting and closing together like a dance. One of them sighed wistfully, and the other had moved them back to the kitchen counter that Felix was now leaning against.

They breathed each other in until they were forced apart by the lack of air to their brains, Chan stayed only centimeters away.

They stayed in silence until they gathered their breaths back, eyes stuck on eachother. Chan could hear his heart in his ears; or maybe it was Felix’s. He was so mind numbingly in love with the boy in front of him, and the fear that had held him back was a ghost no longer at the forefront of his mind. Replaced by the moment they were in like it was supposed to happen, like it was some form of fate.

Or the kiss took away a lot of air, and Chan’s head was going fuzzy.

Felix smiled so brightly, kissing Chan again, and again until he finally pulled back.

“If it wasn’t so unbelievably obvious already, I would wait forever just for you.”

Felix moved his hands, one pushing hair away from Chan’s eyes and the other resting on a broad shoulder.

“ **And** **I love you too**.”

Chan could cry, he was nearly in overwhelmed hysterics until the smell of something on the verge of burning brought his attention back to the fact that they were still standing in the kitchen and very clearly neglecting the brownies that were still in the oven.

“Felix the-”

“Brownies!”

The next few minutes were filled with laughing, and rushed movements as the brownies were taken from the oven. Chan turned the oven off and watched over Felix’s shoulder as the younger surveyed his work to make sure they were still edible.

“I think the bottoms burned a little. I originally wanted to make them as a thank you to the others for letting us have time alone. Do you think they’ll still eat them?”

Of course that’s why Felix made them, because he was the sweetest person alive.

“Of course. They’ll love them, Felix.”

Felix smiled over his shoulder and caught Chan in another kiss that almost made his knees weak. The younger pulled away just in time though, so Chan wrapped his arms around Felix’s waist just because he could and nuzzled into the crook of his neck while the blonde cut into his brownies.

For the next hour or so they meandered around the dorm, never not within three feet of each other. The elder took a shower while Felix sat on the toilet seat, and they talked the entire time. They cuddled on the couch while watching a baking show Felix liked. They went through all of the hoodies Felix had secretly stolen from Chan’s closet. They even had time to talk about the conversations they’ve had with the others over lunch. (Chan learned that Jisung had caught Felix off guard more than once telling him that if Chan wasn’t going to quote ‘man up and do what needs to be done’ that Felix should do it instead.)

Chan was stunned at how normal everything felt, about the fact that nothing had really changed in the way that they were treating each other. Except the fact that Chan was now able to pull Felix back right before they walked into the kitchen with the hold he had on his hand and kiss the younger until their thoughts were so jumbled they had to take a breather with their foreheads pressed together. _That was definitely new._

They had been sitting at the kitchen table sharing a brownie when the others got back home with shopping bags and food from Hyunjin’s mother.

“Oh! They’re sitting really close, I think that means good news!” The two of them rolled their eyes at Jisung and looked towards the kitchen entry.

Pairs of eyes were locked on them and it was all Chan could do to stop himself from laughing at the way they were peering over each other like meerkats.

“Well?” Changbin raised an expectant brow at Chan, “Tell us the verdict so we can put our stuff down.”

“Yeah. Did we give you enough time?” Seungmin popped up over Hyunjin’s shoulder.

Chan and Felix locked eyes, smiling amusedly before the younger spoke up.

“Yeah, it was enough time. Channie is officially my boyfriend, now go put your stuff down so you can try the brownies I made.”

There were whoops and hollers as the six of them ran to put the bags they came in with down, Minho had come back to hug Felix, whispering a sweet ‘Congrats Lix’ and Jisung fist bumped Chan into a fit of laughter.

They spent the rest of the afternoon together, joking around in the kitchen and poking fun at the newest couple.

Chan didn’t mind the jokes, the flush that made its way to Felix’s cheeks was worth every inappropriate comment aimed at them.

Hyunjin and Jeongin had cornered Chan before they all migrated into the living room and hugged him tight. Neither said anything, but they gave him a look that spoke for them. After all, those two had said everything they needed to, and Chan truly had to thank them properly for everything one day.

After one of the most enjoyable dinners Chan has had in a long time, the eight of them split into their nightly routine of getting ready for bed. They all ended up under the blankets, heads on pillows, decently early for once, a schedule looming over them for the following morning.

Chan and Felix were together again that night, a vague threat from Changbin stating that if he heard anything other than Chan’s snores he wouldn’t hesitate to get violent. It had no heat, and even made the pair laugh amongst themselves as they settled in.

Chan knew they had so much to talk about and he knew that just because the feelings were out in the open didn’t mean that it was going to get easier for them. He knew the two of them, plus the other six always supporting them, would fight for everything as hard as they could. So, for now Chan was more than satisfied with pulling Felix as close as he could and pressing a few meaningful kisses to the top of his head before closing his eyes to let the night take him away.

He fell asleep with thoughts of freckles that night, of a laugh so bright it could guide you through any darkness, of a mind so open and patient that he wanted to live there because it was comfortable and accepting. So he did, as his dreams made themselves known and fully dragged him in. The fear that had burrowed in him for months was finally gone; and Chan couldn’t remember the last time he had slept so peacefully.

**Author's Note:**

> this took a few weeks and it’s the hardest i’ve ever worked on something that i’ve written myself so please validate me because i’m a little worried because it’s not exactly how i imagined it, but i can only edit it so much before i end up changing it completely :( 
> 
> you can find me here! [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/MlNCH4NS) if you want to talk about the boys or even send prompts or anything of the sort! thank you! <33


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